Once a Catholic
by daf9
Summary: daf9 has dropped Bobby into the middle of a soap opera. rated R for language and A for angst. Your comments will determine if I ever post anything like this again.


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Summary: Bobby broods over his father, Nicole, his lapsed religious faith and everything that's wrong with his life. Too depressed to write to his mother, he e-mails his friend Max, the rabbi mentioned in Shandeh. A few oblique spoilers for the season 2 finale.

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Disclaimers: The usual. Bobby isn't mine. I doubt my family would allow me to keep him anyway.

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To: bagels'nlox@home.com

From: bobbygoren@mcs.com

Dear Max,

Am I being unjust

In showing disgust

At a woman who teases

To get what she pleases 

When it's really myself I don't trust?

Sure my passions combust

And my mind fills with lust

My Mom thinks I'm a saint

Full of earnest restraint

But I really just do what I must.

These whispering ghosts

Leave me scared and morose

Judging every new date

And potential soul mate

They prevent me from gettin' too close.

You know Nicole was correct

I WANT to connect

Am I socially retarded

Or is my heart just too guarded

In its search for love and respect?

With the superficial stuff

I'm rarely rebuffed

I've no trouble flirting

But I still end up hurting

What I'm offered is never emotionally enough.

I know where Mom stood

On marryin' girls in the 'hood

But I'm open to reason

And see the truth is less pleasin'

It was them and not me were too good.

Oh the times I've been burned -

You would think I'd have learned!

When every dog and his bitch

Are out scratching their itch

Why is love a wasteland, far as I am concerned?

Though I will not decline

Safe sex most of the time 

I'm gettin' really tired of

Never havin' acquired love

Chuggin' ale when I long for fine wine.

When Mom and I were left in the lurch

I learned to hate God and church!

Marriage was a cruel scam

As perpetrated by THAT man -

Dad derailed my relationship search!

I was raised by a quitter!

With his cheap whores Dad littered

The cloying scent of perfume

Till it clung to each room -

Forgive me for sounding so bitter!

Unlike Dad I hate phonies

And playing the ponies

I don't want a good time

But something lasting that's mine -

A family - not just casual cronies.

But thoughts of children I dread

Dad still lives in my head

If I had a child

Would I end up reviled?

The one whose son prayed his father was dead?

It only takes a few beer

'Til the problem seems clear

I've plenty of luck

When I just want to f*ck

But intimacy remains a veneer.

I'm disillusioned with waiting

Through more senseless dating

All the evidence is conclusive

My dreams of family elusive -

It's time to learn to enjoy masturbating.

Though I never lost control

There was appeal to Nicole

Why did she have to be

The one to understand me -

Is it some hidden flaw in my soul?!

If I could only have shown

Her the child she disowned

Nicole had the potential

But lacked something essential

And will never see the need to atone.

To know she's depraved

And **I'M** what she craved

The thought doesn't enthrall

It makes my skin crawl

Like standing at a fresh open grave.

I was a deer in the lights

Trapped in her sights

And though I escaped

My mind was thoroughly raped

I'm grateful I knew how to fight!

Why should it have mattered

That I was almost flattered?

Because she forced me to dwell

In my personal hell

With the ghost of the man that I shattered!

As hubris was the veil

That shrouded Ahab's whale

Although Nicole lied -

So it was MY pride

That allowed her foul scheme to prevail.

I deserve being disgraced!

The blame wasn't misplaced

I let my lack of respect

For familial neglect

Blindside my reason with distaste! 

So my ego took a licking -

It'll keep right on ticking

Though not quite Macbeth

I still fathered a death

And THAT is the point that is sticking!

This is who I became

When my Mom went insane

Why wasn't God there

To heal my despair

And relieve me of the overwhelming shame?

Max, you say it's God's plan

That I be as I am

But it'd be easier to bear

If I believed that He cared -

I need the faith of my childhood again

Yes I'm feeling betrayed

But you needn't be afraid

I **can't** eat my gun -

Who'd take care of my Mom?

I've got to live with the life that I've made.

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End file.
